Conquer Your Fear of Dating Rejection
As we enter a new year, you may be thinking about starting to date again, or for the first time. You may also be nervous about one of the hardest parts of dating: experiencing rejection. For some, the thought of being rejected is enough to deter them from even trying to date.
If you struggle with fear of rejection getting in the way of finding the type of relationship(s) you’re looking for, perhaps it’s time to set a new year’s resolution to let go of this fear and embrace rejection as part of the process of finding love.
Avoiding potential pain makes sense
No one likes feeling like they are unwanted, which is what can get stirred up when someone rejects you as a potential romantic partner. Whether you spend time putting together a dating profile or take a chance on talking to a stranger, you risk being rejected by people you’re interested in. But that is the vulnerability it takes to find people you will actually connect with.
Rejection often isn’t as personal as you think it is, but it can feel like an outright judgement against you. It’s worth remembering that rejections tend to happen based on things that are out of your control. You can’t change the fact that someone doesn’t feel chemistry with you, even though you feel it. You can’t make your humor translate better to your date or change your height. Whatever reason is given likely has less to do with who you are at your core and more to do with what the other person is looking for and what qualities they think will make a good partner for them. You can’t really argue with that, or plead your case. Or, you could, but that wouldn’t necessarily be the best way to start a new relationship.
Rejection sensitivity is a spectrum
Regardless of the reason for rejecting you, it can still hurt and people have different tolerance levels of rejection. For some, it slides right off their back and they are able to separate rejection from personal criticism. Others may be more sensitive. If rejection of any kind leaves you emotionally drained and you find you need a bit of time to recover, you may have a higher rejection sensitivity level. Studies have linked those with ADHD, for instance, with what’s called rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), which is experienced as high levels of rejection sensitivity. You may marvel at how other people seem to get over rejections rather quickly compared to you. If you have RSD or experience general rejection sensitivity, it doesn’t mean you can’t date, it means that you have to be more aware of your limitations and take care of yourself when you experience a rejection.
Knowing that there is a range of rejection sensitivity may relieve some daters who feel like their emotional experience is minimized by others who think they should just “get over it”. There may be genetic or neurological reasons why someone ghosting you feels so utterly devastating. You may need to take a break from dating completely and focus on nurturing other relationships or tending to your self care. You might also benefit from the support of a therapist. When you feel more up to it, you can return to dating.
Dating rejection can feel different
Some of my clients have experienced all kinds of rejection in other areas of life, but romantic rejection feels scary enough to cause them to hold back in dating. They may hesitate to initiate a chat with someone they match with on an app, or withhold information about themselves that they think will make them look bad on dates even though those details are really important for understanding who they are. Unfortunately, they miss out on opportunities for connection when they hide because of rejection fear. Honesty is an important trait for relationship building. If you don’t share what you are really like, it will be difficult to know if the person you’re dating really likes you or just some version of you who you think won’t get rejected. Odds are, over time they will learn who you are and realize that you weren’t honest with them from the start. That could be what ultimately causes the relationship to break down.
It’s not always easy, but for people who aren’t highly rejection sensitive, rejection does tend to sting less the more you experience it. Over the almost decade I have been a dating coach, I have seen people get rejected and bounce back, be more honest about who they are and what they want, and eventually find people who want to date them just as they are. They learn to use rejection as a tool. Rather than see it as something wrong with them, they realize that the other person is making a decision that is right for them, whether they agree or not.
In the new year, consider building a new relationship with rejection. One where you understand that it is part of dating, not to be avoided or dismissed, but experienced and processed. Give yourself as much time as you need to recover from rejection and know that you too will be a rejector at some point (which comes with its own emotions). Dating rejection can feel awful, but in the long-term, it won’t feel as bad as never giving yourself the chance to find love.
Want to learn more?
Starting to date again can feel overwhelming. To get some basic stratgies, you can check out my ezines about dating. You can also chat with me about working together.
As an experienced sex coach, I’ve helped people navigate the inevitable ups and downs of dating. Coaching can help you stay with the process, no matter what gets thrown your way. Click here to learn about sex and dating coaching with me.